A small talk survival

"The key to small talk is to avoid in any way making conversation that has to do with business," says Daniel Menaker, author of A Good Talk, about how conversations work. "By definition, small talk is not goal-oriented. Or if it is goal-oriented, the goal is to make yourself conversationally available to other people in a way that shows you are not just single-mindedly entrepreneurial, but that you're a human being, and that you can find common ground."

There's this thing psychologists call a "promotion orientation." It involves thinking of the conversation as a series of opportunities rather than a minefield of embarrassment (thinking of it that way is "prevention orientation"). The promotion orientation involves making eye contact and smiling. (Which are the two most powerful tools a person having a conversation has at his or her disposal. You can say, "I'm into string" to a total stranger, and if you say it with eye contact and a smile, it can seem brilliant.)

The second stage of small talk is all about promotion orientation. "Don't think, Don't say this, don't do something stupid, don't go on too long," says Sam Sommers, associate professor of psychology at Tufts University and author of Situations Matter: Understanding How Context Transforms Your World. "If you have all these don'ts and negatives in your head as you go into an interaction, you tend to come off looking like someone who had a bunch of negative thoughts in their head and distracted and not engaged."

At a party or a networking event (as opposed to a meeting, where the duration of small talk is somewhat fixed), there is a point at which you must decide if this is a conversation worth continuing or a conversation worth ending. The eyes are the deciding factor, not the conversation. If the other person's eyes wander, even a little bit, you should get out. If the eyes wander, you throw out your exit line. "I see a friend I need to speak to; it's been great talking to you." Or, more generously: "It's been great talking to you; I'll let you get to some other people now." Or, the best exit line ever developed: "I'm going to the bar. Can I get you something?" If the other person wants to continue the conversation, they will say yes. If they don't, they will say no. And so you act accordingly.